Can I just start this post by saying… What the fuck?

I hate the game. I’ve enjoyed single life and carelessly living it for a while. But I have to say recently, my interest has been piqued. Could there be someone out there who is funny enough, charming enough, well rounded and open minded enough to make me consider performing a dirty four letter word. Oh c’mon. Get your mind out of the gutter. Date. The word I was thinking of was date. Why not, this could be fun right?

Oh fuck, was I wrong.

Dating is not fun. I’ve been so unconcerned with dating that I forgot. Not fun. And now that I’ve been doing it, I know why I never did.

Now let me clarify a couple things. First, I’ve never really dated before. Weird, right? I sort of just fell into relationships and stuck with them. I don’t actually remember having a dating phase before these past several months. Second, I’m not actually dating anyone right at this moment. And I’m pretty sure I know why. I hate The Game. A special kind of hate. The kind that should be reserved for the devil and Osama bin Laden and running sprint intervals. Playing The Game has now made the short list of things that I really, truly, deeply hate. And it’s a really short list, I just listed everything on it.

If there is even a chance you don’t know what I’m talking about, consider yourself lucky. or let me explain “The Game” as best I can. See apparently as some point as a group, single people collectively decided that communication was risky venture, only to be entered into by the very, very brave and trained professionals (i.e. our therapists.) So instead of communicating simple things like, “I think you’re great” we now have to play this little game. Because calling someone and saying “I think you’re great” is apparently not a nice thing, it’s a desperate thing. Because people hate to hear that I guess. So here are the rules to The Game, as I understand them.

1. Never appear available. What? Isn’t the point to find someone else who is also available? Being available = bad. Uh, ok, good to know.

2. Never appear interested. People say “it’s a cat and mouse game, he needs a reason to chase you.” Again, what? It’s not a fucking cat and mouse game. If the mouse walks up to the cat, the cat isn’t bored. Cat still eats mouse. Definitely NOT the same game. In this game, showing interest directly translates to being desperate.

3. Never be the first one to “reach out.” (I started to write “call” there, but let’s face, do we call anyone anymore?) Again, what? Why is this a problem? I love it when people call me. I love it when people text me. I love it when it people send me a Facebook message. Apparently it relates back to #2. Which is risky. People get confused when they go from thinking you might be interested to knowing your’re interested.

And here’s the worst part… everyone is doing it. Why? Why are we so afraid to reach out and say hello? Why are we so incapable of honest communication? Why can’t we just say “Hey, love to see you again” when we actually want to see someone again? (and for the record, it’s also ok to not say it if you don’t actually want to see someone again.)

So here’s the thing, much like running sprint intervals, I don’t generally do things I hate. And I hate the game. I’m not playing.

You know that phrase, don’t hate the player, hate the game? I fucking hate both.

Dating? Yeah, that was short lived.

I’m returning to a single, carefree life. Maybe I’ll fall into another relationship and it will just work. Maybe I’m meant to keep being single and crazy for a while (more stories with which to entertain you crazy people…) Maybe my brother and his fiancee will make some babies and I can drift happily into becoming the single, wild and crazy aunt. (I hope they’re reading this, because this plan really only works if they have babies.)

Man, that felt good to get off my chest. Time for a cocktail.